what not to wear

I have mentioned my endless frustration with dressing this new, ever-changing body. For weeks, my mid section, um, "filled out," but I didn't look pregnant. Old clothes made me look like a plump sausage, maternity clothes were hanging in oh-so-unattractive ways. At first I loved the BellaBand, but eventually it turned on me. And I on it. If I stopped paying attention while sitting at my desk, it would creep creep creep up my back. And drive me crazy. I wanted to rip it off my body ala Hulk Hogan when it refused to stay put. Dare I admit I actually followed through on this urge one day. Thankfully, the BellaBand won that battle. Because heading home from the office with no way to disguise my wide-open pants would have been not awesome.

I started relying heavily on my leggings (elastic top rolled down) and high-waisted dresses. But fall set in a month or so ago, and I was desperate for some warmer bottoms. Trooper Brad went shopping with me to pick up a couple items at Old Navy and Gap. The cords I got at the Gap were a smart buy. The jeans from Old Navy looked awesome when I initially put them on. After I moved around for five minutes, it looked like I pooped my pants. I continued to wear them because I lacked other options. But I was grumptastic every day that they turned up in the rotation.

One day when I was surprisingly rational, I asked my super stylish friend Jennifer if she would be willing to go maternity clothes shopping with me. She agreed, because she is just that fabulous, and we headed out to the burbs on a Sunday afternoon. One of the malls north of Chicago has a large Destination Maternity. Took home a pair of jeans, a suit, two sweaters, and two t-shirts, in exchange for a lot of money. Then we went by a small maternity boutique in Chicago where I purchased a pair of Seven for All Mankind maternity jeans. Do I own a pair of regular jeans of the same caliber? No. But they dangled a 20% off -- today only! -- coupon in my face and I managed to rationalize the purchase.

Got home and modeled everything for Brad. His eyes popped when he saw the receipts, but he quickly told me that it was worth it if I would feel better about my body. I love that man. He is perfect. But unfortunately, as soon as he was okay with the expense, I was not. I immediately started second guessing my decisions. Thankfully, I am not afraid of returns (working retail for a summer will do that to you). Decided on some less-expensive options from Gap, Old Navy, and Motherhood. Took a few things back. And I learned some interesting tidbits in the process.

1. Maternity shops having lousy return policies. This seems so unnecessary. I know that maternity clothes have a short shelf-life for the buyer, but that's not the case for the seller. There are always new pregnant ladies. Must retailers punish pregnant women who are not always thinking clearly when making decisions? I decided to return the Seven jeans because they were not all that flattering, and I feared they would be a bit too tight in a month or so. Learned that I could not get a refund, only store credit. Blerg. They are going to call me when they get in their next shipment of jeans and the saleswoman assured me they could find a pair of jeans to fit my wonky body. Hope they like a challenge.

2. Maternity clothes manufacturers do not work off standardized sizing charts. I no longer know what size I wear. Some pants I wear in small. Some in medium. I've bought pants in size 6 that end up being too big, and pants in size 8 that are almost too tight. At the maternity boutique, I learned that you are supposed to buy two sizes larger than your regular jeans size if you are selecting Sevens. J Brand? Stick to your pre-pregnancy size. It makes my head spin. Pregnant ladies are already prone to crazy. This mystery sizing system is just cruel. (Don't even get me started on the gamble you take with ordering online, where the greatest selection of maternity clothes is actually located.)

3. Pregnant women are a target market for odd things. I decided to return the suit and one of the sweaters to Destination Maternity. The suit was hanging on me because my tummy is not big enough. No telling what giant Tater will be doing to my stomach in the next two weeks, but I'm guessing I won't double in size. In lieu of the suit, I've ordered a pair of black slacks from Gap (which I tried on in-store and they actually fit well! Hooray!). Planning to wear those and a regular suit jacket to the oral argument, along with a fancy maternity cowl-neck sweater. Should work.

Last night I trekked out to the burbs to take the suit and other sweater back within the 30-day returns period. In order to process the return, the friendly saleslady had to add me to their client database. After doing so, she grabbed a plastic package out of a closet and slipped it into my shopping bag, explaining it was chock full of free samples and coupons for pregnant ladies. Exciting stuff.

When I was trying to fall asleep, I remembered my package of freebies. Hopped out of bed to retrieve it. Ripped open the bag and flipped through the coupons and brochures. Diapers, Shutterfly, Cord Donation, Fisher Price. I tossed them aside like socks crammed into Christmas stockings so I could dig deeper for the free samples. So many potential options that would be fun. I was hoping for tummy lotion. Nope.

Prunes. Two individually packaged prunes. What? When exactly did I become part of the prune demographic? Prunes? Really?

Yes, I ate them. I'm hungry all the time.